Well, I made it! Dry January is over but since I started early, today was 40 days without a drink.
It’s not been too painful but saying that, I have been hibernating and have only actually been out a handful of times. I spent new year’s eve alone at home, and it was probably the first NYE in 20 years that I haven’t been wasted. I could hear all the fireworks going off and people in the streets partying, laughing etc. But there was no FOMO. I didn’t even crave a drink. I’d actually bought some non-alcoholic beer and non-alcoholic cider, but it’s still sitting in the fridge. It helps that it is currently the middle of freezing winter in the UK, so it’s far more comfortable staying inside and warm anyway.
I’m still resolute in my decision. This year is going to be different for me. It has to be!
I’ve had the occasional month off the drink before but there was always an end date. 30 days, no drink but then on the last day I would go out and have a absolute blinder. I’d had proven to myself that I could do it so would then reward myself with 3 bottles of wine.
The three occasions I did go out in the last month, to a comedy show and dinners with friends, were fine but not quite the same. Previously I’d always be keen to kick on. Let’s go to the pub, have another drink, have another five drinks but these times I just wanted to come home.
I generally enjoy my own company anyway. I do spend a lot of time alone which is why it was so easy to polish off three bottles of wine to myself when I was sat at home in the apartment alone because no one would see how much I was actually drinking. Unless I drunk face-timed them.
But this has made me really think about what fun will look like for me now. A few wines always help conversations flow. I’m a naturally sociable person anyway but wine definitely lubricates the social gears. I genuinely enjoy the buzz of drinking and the carefree and relaxed state it brings. Without it, will everything just be that much more boring?
Will I now just be that person that goes straight home after dinner or will re-learn to still enjoy going out and being around people without the wine cloak? Or will I become a hermit?
The last 40 days have brought up a lot of questions for myself and memories and instances where alcohol has negatively impacted my life. Some very, very uncomfortable.
On the surface there’s obviously the scary amount of money I’ve spent on booze, the health risks and negative impact on my body. I always brushed off health concerns thinking I must be “built different” because I didn’t know anybody else that could put away three or four bottles of wine and still be standing. I joke that being an Australian with Scottish heritage that I was “built for this” and “I’ve been training to drink all my life” but it’s not that funny is it? And there’s all the times that I could’ve really hurt myself tripping and falling over is not only embarrassing at the time but it’s not a good look when a grown woman has bruises all over her arms and legs and doesn’t know where they’ve come from. Hardly marriage material! Oh I’m single if I didn’t mention that already.
I’m trying to be honest with myself and sit with some very uncomfortable memories. Times where work was impacted like the time I slept through my alarm and was late to a meeting with my boss Mike (the Teetotal one) and he told me I stunk like booze. The time I was at a Managers retreat and a song came on and I started crying in front of everyone because it reminded me of my Dad who had died six months prior. The time I had a meeting with HR because a so-called friend/colleague reported me saying she thought I was drunk on the job. Also the countless times I’ve called in sick because I was hung over or had the hangover tremors and anxiety and had to get out for a cigarette break and pull myself together.
There’s the relationships. The fights I’ve had with my sister, some horrible physical ones that I’m deeply ashamed of. But other than those, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt another person because of my drinking or not that I can remember anyway. I like to think that I’m a lover, not a fighter. I’m not an aggressive drunk but who knows. I may have said something that the person walked away with upset about but never told me. I don’t know. My memory isn’t great.
We’ve all made silly decisions under the influence before but some of mine have been really reckless. I admit to driving under the influence on occasion, hooking up with people that sober me would never, spending money on unnecessary things, and generally putting myself in unsafe situations.
I’ve always pushed these to the back of my mind. Tell myself I won’t do it again and try to forget but I think this is the only way I’m going to be truly successful in my new sober-curious life. I’ll have to remember, acknowledge and sit with the uncomfortable if I’m ever going to change.