My mind is clearer when I wake up but the pit in my stomach and anxiety is still super heavy. It really is time to change. This certainly isn’t the first time I’ve said this to myself but it feels different this time. If there was ever a good time to do it, why not now? The start of my 40’s, the start of a new year. Seems like a nice, clean reference point and my OCD likes it.
As much as I’d like to be able to drink moderately, I honestly don’t think it’s an option for me. Going sober feels like the only way, but will I actually be able to follow through? My entire social life revolves around drinking. I’m the “Prosecco girl”. It’s my identity.
Friends don’t even bat an eyelid now, or not noticeably anyway, when I order a bottle to myself at the bar. I used to think it was funny when the bartender would ask how many glasses and I’d just hold up one finger. The old “do you just want a straw?” comment was thrown my way more times than I can count.
I’ve been thinking about how I position this decision to my people. Maybe it’s an ego thing, but I don’t want anyone to jump to conclusions when I tell them I’m going sober out of the blue. Will they think I’m seriously ill or if something dramatic has happened? I mean it kinda has, but I don’t need everyone to know that. The last time I had a month off the booze was over 10 years ago and when I went to dinner with a big group of friends and ordered just a soda water with lime, everyone looked at me in shock. For the rest of the night, I had to swear again and again that I wasn’t pregnant, and I’ll admit, I’ve done the same. Sober people have always made me uncomfortable in some way, assuming (mostly wrongly) that they are judging me from their self-righteous, sober high horse. Yes, there are some, my old boss Mike was one of them (more on him another time), that feel the need to comment but I think for the most part people aren’t bothered.
I guess the beauty of making this decision at this time of year is that Dry January is upon us so that gives me 30 days to sit with this without the questions.